"Well, that's all we have time for tonight, but before we go, here are a few items of late news:
Doctors treating Latimer Rudge, the health service’s fiercest critic, said tonight they are very pleased with his condition. He’s dead."
"Bad news tonight concerning missing gang leader and drag artist Sylvan Valour. Apparently, he’s been found at the bottom of the Thames wearing a pair of concrete slingbacks."
"There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar’s “Sea Pictures” at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared."
"The BBC tonight announced tonight that as a special tribute to Selwyn Wedgley, Britain’s leading understudy. The BBC will be showing a special season of everybody else’s films."
"Police have stepped up the search for Laxley Druitt, a member of Parliament who’s gone off his chump. They fear that in his present state of mind, he might do something sensible."
"Proof positive tonight that criminals are getting younger and younger. A couple in Bridgewater had their bedroom ransacked while they were watching television, but caught the burglar when he called downstairs for a glass of water."
"Next week, we’ll be investigating rumors that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake."
"And we'll look into complaints about the motor industry and we'll show you something that fell of the back of a lorry -- it's the front of a lorry."
"Then we'll be discussing the bread shortage with a man who's been throwing IOU's to the ducks."
"And we'll hear the band of the Royal Cross-Eyed Dragoons, who'll play 'The Dance of the Sugar Plum Sailor' followed by 'What Shall We Do with the Drunken Fairy?'."
"Finally, we'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definate swing to the left."
"Until then, it's goodnight from me."
"And it's goodnight from him."
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