We interrupt this website for a special bulletin:
"Police broke into the home of Ireland's most brilliant forger today and took away two million seven pound notes."
"Today in the courts, an unemployed laborer was found guilty of running up and down Downing Street at two o'clock in the morning shouting, 'All the government is barmy!' He was given a two pound fine for being drunk and disorderly and a ten year jail sentence for revealing a state secret."
"In Newport Pagnel this evening, Mr. Horace Whipsley, the world's most superstitious motorist, known for the lucky horseshoe dangling from his rear window, the sprig of heather on his wipers, the St. Christopher suspended from his dashboard and the four rabbit's feet in his glove compartment -- was run over by thirteen steamrollers."
"We've just this moment heard that the two pandas at the London Zoo have begun to mate. The winner meets Gary Kasparov in the final."
"The West Drayton man who has kept himself awake every night for seventeen years by snoring has at least found the answer. He's going to sleep in another room."
"Finally, there's a report from the team who've been investigating the social habits of Mr. and Mrs. Average. Unfortunately, Mr. Average was not at home. He'd slipped down to Brighton with Mrs. Well-Above Average."
And now, back to our regular programme . . .
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